What a Week

I have no words to describe this past week. Horrible, exhausting, those words could possibly give you an idea of what our family has been going through. Livi is going through so much, we're supposed to be on "count RECOVERY" and this has been by far the most horrible week yet. I unusiated the word recovery because you would think she would be recovering right? Getting just a little better right? WRONG! She is so tired, just stares into space all the time, cries for no reason, lays on the couch all day, I have to force her to get out of her pajamas. It is so heart wrenching to see her like this. No parent should ever go through this. I just have to try and comfort her when she's upset and I have no idea why or try to talk to her when she hasnt said a word to anyone for hours and its so hard.

At first I thought maybe she needed a blood transfusion because of how exhausted and pale she was. So yesterday I called our homecare company to come draw a CBC (complete blood count) and they called me back this morning and said her counts were all good. I was in total shock. So I asked the nurse if there could possibly be something going on and she told me to just watch for fevers, sometimes the body just has to crash for a while after getting so much chemo and going and going constantly. I seriously feel so helpless. I hate feeling like I cant do this anymore. I want my little girl back, I want to have a normal life again. I know that we will never live normal lives again. Even when this is all said and done with it will always be engraved in my mind and I will always ask "where did this bruise come from?" or "why are you so pale?" or wonder if someone has just been picking their nose to make it bleed or if there is a more serious issue.

I'm just venting for now, I'm sorry....This has just been a bad week full of what I call "Why me days".....I hope the next few weeks will pass by quickly and we can quickly get into maitenence and have no problems with that and everything will be smooth sailing for the next 2 years. Thank you so much for everyones love and support over the last few weeks. I dont know what we would do with out you all. We have recieved such an outpoor of amazing love and kindness this holiday season, with out you all I would probably have gone crazy by now! Just know that we are so grateful for every single one of you, we couldnt get through this with out such amazing people in our lives! We are so blessed to know each and everyone of you. Thank you and Merry Christmas!

This is where Livi finds the most happiness....the bath tub, we try to make it as fun as possible for her, we have all kinds of fun bath toys. This is the kids favorite foam...its awesome and they can play with it for hours if I were to let them.